My personal zombie apocalypse

The past 72 hours I have been walking around in a daze. Yes, I'm doing what needs to be done, I talk to people, I go to work, I eat 3 meals a day, I take my showers, I moisturize,seal and wrap my hair. But I am on auto pilot, because if I truly turn off the auto pilot and retake the reigns at this very moment, I might crash the damn plane.

Everyone has experienced heart ache and heart break. If you say you haven't, then you've never opened yourself up to anyone ever before, and you've never fully risked before. Well, I smashed down walls, with a massive sledge hammer, I broke rules as if they weren't there for a reason, all in the name of love. And after risking it all, the bookie came to collect. And I'm left with what feels like a zombie apocalyptic wasteland. Every now and then something shakes me out of my reverie, and I feel myself losing breath, as if running from the monsters chasing me, my blood rushing in my ears and my heart beat pounding in my throat. Before I can stop myself tears stream down my face and I start feeling as if death has his icy grip around my neck. But thanks to the fact that is not my first rodeo I quickly grab the proverbial shotgun and start shooting those zombies in the head, my sole focus keeping myself together long enough to get to a safe place.

I thank the Lord for the soldiers who fight beside me, the women who pass me another tissue, or another shot of Jagermeister. The friends who listen while I ramble at a mile a minute as if this has never before happened to anyone else. My mother who knows that for now the topic is off limits if I am to hold on to my composure. The colleagues who already know the different looks upon my face that I experienced the intense fear of not making it. I thank the Lord for all of these superstars who support me without coddling me, for if it were not for them, I might have been turned into a full fledged brain craving zombie myself already.

Essentially, I can't even think of the future right now, just attempting to think beyond tomorrow bring on the cold sweats. My focus is getting through today. If I can survive today, tomorrow might be easier.

Successful experiment!

So, I got home last night and looked myself in the mirror. I have been a very good girl the past 4 days, moisturizing and sealing religiously, as little manipulation as possible and sleeping with my little silk wrap every night without fail. However, as it being winter, I'm sealing with serum, specifically ORS Glossing Polisher, which is heavier than coconut oil and thus my hair felt a little grimy and ready for a wash. After making the decision to wash I also eyed the left over colour from a couple of months ago, Caivil Ebony Black, a temporary rinse containing no ammonia or peroxide.

So I grabbed the colour and contrary to the instructions on the box I applied it to my dry hair, covering the detangled strands as much as possible. After that I slathered on Protein Feed Conditioner as a pre-poo right on top of the colour, covered my head with a shower cap, then a HOT towel, and a plastic bag over that and then enjoyed a cup of coffee and an episode of Supernatural, or two. I then jumped in the shower and proceeded with my normal wash day routine except that I didn't DC last night.

Regardless my hair came out SOFT and the colour intense. I proceeded to roller set, spritzing my home made leave in as I went along, dry with my hairdryer being on the cold air setting and then wrapped up my hair and passed out whilst watching more Supernatural. (Oh Dean, oh Dean!! He is so fine!!) This morning I simply bunned my hair with the help of an EZ comb, and my hair is soft, shiny, glossy, and the colour is lovely. I'm almost 5 weeks post and although I clearly feel my NG, it's not a bother, my hair is so soft that the freaking EZ comb wants to slip out if look over my shoulder too fast. And I love it!! All in all, I would say, a success.

PS Loving the HHJ, especially the random compliments from friends and colleagues. :-)

A bit of a review

And it's Monday once more, the start of a new week, with new challenges laying ahead of us all. As well as a day for a bit of reflection for the week gone by. And it has gone by quickly. 

Quick update - I've had a monster of a cold which is only dissipating now. I had an assignment which was handed in 2 minutes before cut off time. I've learned that a hot water bottle is MAGIC to warm the bed during these FREEZING winter months without chasing up my power bill. And I've tried out a new product and I officially need to put my thoughts down, because it's bad. 

Okay, first of all, this is a short product review and it is NOT sponsored. The brand is Dr Miracle's and the products that I've tried include the Anti-Breakage Strengthening Creme, the Deep Conditioning Treatment and the Conditioning Leave-in treatment, all of which formed part of the Conditioning Treatment Pack. I admit, my expectations were a little on the high side because of a colleague who sang the products' praises. However, I was sorely disappointed. And here's why:

• the leave in conditioner gave NO slip whatsoever and left my hair feeling hard and unmanageable whilst attempting to rollerset. Because I didn't want to throw away the rest of the packet I mixed it with my conditioner/water/glycerin mix, and the result is a bit more shine, but I will not buy this product again. 
• the deep conditioner was also a disappointment. Yes, the tingle upon the scalp felt nice. Yes, it smelled nice. Yes, my hair felt soft right after I rinsed it. No, my hair did not continue to feel soft during the roller setting process. No, my hair did not feel soft after it dried. No, my hair had no shine or movement. No, I will not purchase this product again. 
• the anti-breakage cream was the MOST disappointing. I decided to use it as if a growth aid and hair dress and to seal, since it contains petrolatum in its ingredients list. Again the tingle felt nice, it makes one believe that your hair is growing. But during the little over two weeks of using the product (applying it every night, with this product, a little really does go a LONG way) I've noticed INCREASED breakage and shedding, especially in the front half of my head. 

On the flip side, I can feel that my hair has grown quite a bit, especially around my crown and back, even around the nape(which never happened in the past) so I am not discouraged by this little set back. 

In conclusion, there are MANY products in the Dr Miracle's lineup, but after being sorely disappointed after simply testing only 3 of those, I don't think that I will be attempting any others. Has anyone else had similar experiences?

It's true, your feelings are powerful!

We've all been there. We've read The Secret and listened to the Teachings of Abraham Hicks. We have heard how positive thinking can uplift your spirit as well as your circumstances. If you're sick, think healthy. If you're hungry, visualize that awesome meal and before you know it, someone will invite you to dinner. If you're struggling financially, don't focus on it, and you will receive in abundance. Do not speak of what you don't want, speak of what you already have and are grateful for and of what you desire to come as if you already have it. And then FEEL the gratitude, love, joy, happiness that goes along with that desire being in your life.

I have perfected that kind of thinking in certain areas of my life, but today I realized that I have been a fool,  because when it came to the big stuff, my head was filled with negative thinking. I was selective in using the Secret and applying the power of Attraction. My relationship hit some major bumps in the road,and it would not have if I just re-tuned myself onto a more positive frequency ages ago. Yes, it takes two to tango, but one person's energy can greatly influence that of his or her partner, I know that now more clearly than ever.

I know of a loved one who's finances are a mess, and they stress about it all the time. Mine are a mess too, but I try to not focus on it, and yet, I am always provided for. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly every day. But still I have not filled my mind and heart with the good positive feelings of already having that, and thus every month I still feel a bit of a struggle instead of receiving in abundance.

My career is not where I would have wanted it to be, but I focus on the fact that I KNOW that I am on the road to greatness and legend, and thus my job is not a chore, but a joy. However, I still have moments where I cuss myself for not making different choices years before and thus I deprive myself of the true joy that I should be feeling to be advancing more rapidly within my career.

And lastly, the point that made me realize how true ALL of this is - my hair journey. Yes, it seems trivial to some, but hear me out. I have been in a negative space for the past week or so. Yesterday I had a major wash day, putting in ALL the effort and time. And at the end of it all, I felt that my hair lacked shine, luster, movement and I could see that I have experienced some hectic breakage and shedding in just the past WEEK. And so I realised, my negative feelings have been SO powerful, that it affected me physically, specifically regarding my hair, which I take more notice of since starting my HHJ.

And THAT's where my epiphany originates from. I can't be positive and think positive selectively. I can't say that I can ALWAYS find a parking space in a crowded mall parking lot, but then I'm negative about the amount of money in my wallet. I can't be positive about my weight loss but then be negative about the condition of my skin. I can't be positive about my car (which I LOVE to drive) but then be negative about my flat. I can't be selective when it comes to changing my life!

Personal Monday directive: change comes with one step. That step for this week - SPEAK only in a positive manner. The mouth runneth over what the heart is full of. If I can control what I say, I can control what I think, I can control what  feel. Point is, today is a new day. And I wish to experience the best of this day, every day.

Expectations and disappointment

How often do we not derail our own hopes and dreams with unrealistic expectations of self or others? We as a species have a myriad of expectations. we expect recognition if we've worked hard. We set deadlines for our goals, whether it be graduation, that promotion, a raise, that last ten pounds to lose, when to quit smoking, when to get married, when to start a family, when to own a house, when to start our own business, when to earn large family which will afford you the mansion and the expensive car.

We expect loved ones to treat us in a certain way. We want professional peers to regard us in a certain manner. We expect wishes and presents on our birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, whatever day. We expect sympathy and concerned questions when we walk into a room and we KNOW that we look as horrible as we feel. We expect to be congratulated if we come bearing big news. We expect to be comforted if we feel sad.

Essentially we want to prescribe to the world how we want to be loved and treated without really  saying it out loud. And then those expectations aren't met, those deadlines aren't met and we crack. We end up feeling disappointed, unloved and unworthy. We start doubting ourselves and we start to talk ourselves down. We start to develop self esteem issues, as well as trust issues, because we've been disappointed and hurt too often. We start being scared and avoid risks, be they in life, work or love. We think that the risk is too high so rather not take it and then never experience disappointment. 

THAT life is a life I do not want to live. I would rather accept that others may love me in different ways than I would have envisioned, and then if I want something specific I'll open my mouth and express my wish. I will not have deadlines anymore! Yes, goals will always be there, but I will not cripple myself anymore if a certain goal was attained a little late than initially thought. If I feel that I need a hug, I'd give one first and then comfort is received all round. I would stop talking down to myself and lift my damn head again. For years my biggest point of pride was that I had no regrets, and that I could always look myself straight in the mirror. This past week I experienced regret, but I need to forgive myself right now and look myself in the eye again, for if I don't love myself, I can't expect others to love me in any way.

Point is, don't you think that if we expected a little less and did a little more and simply enjoyed life and it's twists and turns and surprises that we'll all be a little happier and content? That is what I wish for myself, and for others.

Knot out...epic fail

This will be short...tried my first attempt at a knot out. Made twelve knots in the front half of my hair and slept with them covered with my silk bonnet. Woke up and unrolled the knots and gently tried to separate to get in order to get cute curls. EPIC FAIL. My hair looked a HOT mess. Felt great because I moisturised and sealed prior to rolling the knots, but looked awful. Ended up spritzing my hair with my leave in, detangling, wrapping while showering and then lightly blow drying and straightening my fringe and just pulling the rest back into the EZ comb bun. Will only attempt this again once hair reaches SL, thank you very much. Saturday...we'll try  braid out. Hope that it goes better than this.

Fresh touch up after 13 weeks post

13 weeks post relaxer in my life was a test of patience. My last stretch was 12 weeks and simple logistics prevented me from having this current stretch also end at 12 weeks. Nevertheless, the tresses were relaxed at 13 weeks post with Dark 7 Lovely Beautiful Beginnings No-Lye Relaxer Kit. Yes, I used the kiddie brand, as I have found it years ago to be gentler on my scalp. In addition I stirred in about a teaspoon of castor oil before applying it to my NG to prevent over-processing. After application and smoothing I rinsed and shampooed with the kit's neutralizing shampoo immediately, using ORS Hair Mayonnaise as the mid protein step, which I kept in my hair for about ten minutes, after which I shampooed again with the neutralizing shampoo and one final lather with ORS Creamy Aloe before applying ORS Replenishing Pak which I sat with for 30minutes whilst wearing a plastic cap. After rinsing that I spritzed on some leave in for slip because although my hair was soft, it had very little slip.

HUGE POINT THAT NEEDS TO BE MADE: Prior to starting my HHJ, whenever I had a touch up, when rinsing I would see SO much hair in the tub. My hair broke like it was being paid. It went on for so long that for the longest time I believed it to be the norm. Until yesterday. During the entire rinsing process, I think I saw a maximum of 8 hairs! Yes, breakage and shedding have been reduced to the very minimal in only three months!!! I'm so happy I did a happy dance right next to the tub.

Okay, and we're back. My hair was then roller set and left to air dry in the rollers, which only took a couple of hours. After removing the rollers, I decided to not yet straighten it with heat but to only do that on the first wash day after this entire relaxing session. I strongly believe that my hair looks it's best after that first wash day on freshly relaxed hair. I will at that juncture then also take a progress pic to determine if my retention goal of 2-3 cm have been met (but I believe, just from pulling my hands through my hair, that the goal was achieved). I honestly believe that my regimen is working. It's still a little touch and go, but the important thing is progress, not perfection.

Till next time :-)

Opening up a can of worms

We live in a democracy. We have free and fair elections and those in "power" are there because we put them there. 

Is the above really true? If it was why does it seem that we, as a people, as a society, complain more than anything else? We have SO much to say every day about the government and its actions, whether it be on local, regional or national level. We are unhappy with the way things are run, from our schools, to our healthcare system to economic decisions. We put our kids in private schools because the public school system is lacking. We pay a small fortune to a medical aid scheme every month so that should fate turn against us that we have access to private hospitals because simply the idea of being taken up in a state hospital shakes us to our core. We buy 4x4 vehicles that we know will withstand the ever worsening roads and the gravel roads that to this day has still not seen a drop of tar. And we complain about the costs of fuel, even though we full well know that we drive absolute guzzlers. We see the corruption in front of us, and we partake in it. We pay the guy at some government office a couple of bucks under the table so that our passports/identification documents/visas/work permits etc can be processed faster. We complain about the building of monuments and the naming of streets honouring the STILL living and that it's a waste of taxes. BUT DO WE ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT??

You, as a citizen of this country; do you partake in every election? Do you write to your governor and ask them why the public schools don't have the much needed textbooks/classrooms/teachers etc? Do you write to your Minister and demand that the state hospitals be better equipped? Do you pay every cent of your taxes? Are you honest in your dealings with lower government officials? Do you donate to the public school and health care systems? Do you invest your money into local initiatives or do you bury it in some Swizz bank account? Do you support charitable organisations which attempt to better the standard of living of those who cling to the lowest tiers? DO YOU HAVE AN OPINION ON THE ISSUES?? An actual opinion regarding health care, education and schooling, the economy and rights embodied in the Constitution and which you were born with? Do you actually THINK for yourself? Or do you simply follow the heard and BAAAAAHHHHHH all day long like the rest of the sheep?

Do not for one second think that this post is meant as support for the current administration. It's not even a critique on the current administration. It IS a critique on US, the people who should stop complaining and put in some work, bring some action, make our voices heard. WE CANNOT ALLOW THE DRIVER OF THE CAR TO BE LOST FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES! Because if we continue to keep quiet after the driver already took two suspect lefts, it's our own damn fault if we end up in the woods with no light in sight. 

So...here's my question - are YOU a sheep?

Bangin and Swangin Challenge - May

I know, I know, I know. Ebony I apologize for my tardiness. Lol. Everybody, here are my goals for taking part in the B&S challenge hosted by Ebony of Longing4Length, specifically for May:

• GET BACK IN THE GYM - 3-5 times a week, concentrating on cardio
• Incorporate MUCH more fruits and veggies in diet, at least 2-4 servings a day
• Drink the recommended EIGHT glasses of water a day
• Cut down, as in WAY down on refined carbs and sugars
• Lose at least 2 kg

Regarding the hair part of the challenge, for May specifically:

• Be CONSISTENT
• Pre-poo before every wash, alternating between a conditioner pre-poo and oil pre-poo
• DC once a week
• Protein treat once to twice a month (my hair can handle it I realise, but more than that leads to over load and breakage)
• Protective style 90% of the time
• M&S DAILY!!
• Sleep with silk bonnet EVERY NIGHT
• Treat edges with castor oil 3-5 times a week to fill them out. 

Alrighty then. Let the games begin. Happy weekend everybody!!

April goals revisited

I have not been here in a minute, and it's actually a little crazy how it has effected me to the extent that just gearing myself up to write this post took a little bit of doing. But I am back, in full swing and complete glory, and although were almost a third into the 5th month already, I need to revisit my April goals, specifically those regarding my hair. So, to recap, those goals were:

• FINISH at least 3 products from the list below, and it was a success, as I actually finished 6. 
• • Pantene Silky Smooth Shampoo and Conditioner 
  • L'Oreal Elvive Repairing Conditioner 
  • Avon Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner for dry and damaged hair
  • Avon Overnight Elixir
  • ORS Aloe Moisturizing Shampoo
  • ORS Hair Mayonnaise
  • ORS Replenishing Pak Conditioner (1pack)
  • ORS HAIresque Deep Conditioner (1pack)
  • ORS Olive Oil Moisturizing Lotion
  • ORS Olive Oil Moisturizer Hair dress (tub) 
  • ORS Hair Fertilizer
  • Dark and Lovely Ultimate Cholesterol Deep Conditioner
  • Dark and Lovely Anti-Breakage Conditioning Repair Mask
  • Dark and Lovely Beautiful Beginnings Normal Relaxer Kit
  • Dark and Lovely Oil Moisturizer Spray
  • Castor Oil
  • Coconut Oil
  • Pure Glycerin
  • Kair Light Serum
  • Bone Straight Wrap, Blow and Setting lotion
  • Self made leave in consisting of Protein Feed Conditioner, water and glycerin. 
  
  
• Sleep with the SILK BONNET. In general successful, with the exception of maybe six or seven nights the entire month, thus technically a goal achieved. 
• Experiment with some other methods of styling. I DID experiment, a little, but it was not extensive. What I did try was the following:
• phony pony
• phony pony in a bun
• headband covering edges and most of hairline
• wore my hair out (to a wedding, it felt nice)

• Moisturize and seal EVERY DAY! Unsuccessful. On average it happened only every 2nd day, except for the very first week in May. 
• Properly pre-poo before every wash, and deep condition more often this month. Unsuccessful. I did not properly pre-poo before every wash, and I experienced a bit of protein overload this month. I also did not give my self proper time to DC every week, and once only kept the DC in for 10 minutes  without heat instead of 45 with heat. 

Three out of five is not too bad in my mind. From this month on wards I'm taking part in Ms Ebony's Banging & Swanging Challenge from Longing4Length, and those goals will be incorporated in my current regime. The above items will also continue to be part of my regime in my HHJ, as the ultimate aim at the end of the day is to have long, lush, healthy hair. I do think that I am retaining length though, I believe that slowly but surely what I am doing is yielding results. Friends are commenting on how good my hair looks and on how it's grown. I can't wait to hit SL. Till next time all. Have a good one. 

Let's talk about bliss

Many people have dreams, but the desires which make up those dreams are often shelved by those very people, with a million excuses:

• It's too expensive
• I don't have the time
• I'm focusing on my career right now
• That's meant for other people
• I'm set in my ways
• I can't go there, they have tsunamis/earth quakes/monsoons/hurricanes/ice storms/volcanoes. 
• I can't find a baby sitter/house sitter.
• It's not my style/it won't look good on me
• I won't like it
• It will take too long
• What would people think?

Because of the above mentioned, a myriad of trips, vacations, concerts , new restaurants, movies, etc etc remain on the bucket lists and are never experienced. Simple example: years ago the thought of sushi freaked me out. I mean, a lot of the menu items include RAW fish, and fish eggs, and stuff like EEL. It simply sounded wrong and unappetizing.

But then one day I told myself: "Woman, you used to hate olives and feta cheese, now you're favorite salad in the world is a Greek salad. Man up, put on your big girl panties and try the freaking raw fish. It won't kill you to TRY." And by golly, I tried it. And I loved it. Today it's my guilty pleasure, a sinful pleasure. Not chocolate, not ice cream, but sushi. It never would have happened if I continued to place self made barriers before me. 

Now, my dreams are a little bigger, a little grander, and perhaps a little harder than simply tasting a new cuisine. But they are in no way impossible. I wish to travel, extensively. I've already done some research, and with a little savvy, one can see the world without breaking the bank. I wish to own my own house. Busy doing the research, next step is to simply go to the bank. I wish to finish my articles and become a hot shot in my career. Busy with it, 3 subjects to go, in less than a year's time, I will be very much well on my way. I wish to have adrenaline filled adventures, bungee jumping being first on the list, and by golly, it's available less than 500km from my home. I simply need to once again man up, put on my big girl panties and do it.

The list on top illustrates the "reasons" people don't follow their bliss. I see it as excuses. With every excuse you as a person put up walls which make the achievement of your bliss that much more difficult. We, homo sapiens, are our own worst enemy. We have no one else to blame if we're not living the dream. No one but ourselves.

So, get out of your own way and bust a move. Go to that open house. Go test drive that car. Look at those tattoo designs that you've been thinking about getting since you were 16. (Side note: If you do get inked, make sure you LOVE the design and pick a good spot, you'll be living with it for a very very long time. ) Go on that blind date. Go try that new restaurant in town and go see that movie. Go have a chat with your bank manager and then book that foreign trip. Send your resume to every company that may have your dream job and take that chance. Try new food, listen to new types of music, adjust your wardrobe a little, get a haircut, let your hair grow, live your life. Get our of your own way, find and follow your bliss. 

Mid month check in

So, at the beginning of the month I set myself some goals, both personal and hair related. And today I felt the need to check in a little bit about how it's going and to see if I'm making headway regarding the hair related issues.

I'll be 9 weeks post in 2 days time and my new growth is quite noticeable, especially in the middle of my head. Around the hairline I can clearly see and feel it as well, but it's soft and manageable, and trained to a certain degree, because glory hallelujah, I've been a good girl and have slept with my silky wrap almost every night. Once or twice it slipped off my head in the middle of the night, but still, I did not subject my hair to friction against cotton and linen pillow cases.

I also moisturize and seal more frequently since I've given myself a list of goals, although I think it can still be stepped up a notch or two, since there have been days that I skipped the process. I need to thus recommit to doing it EVERY DAY.

I'm unfortunately still in that styling rut. I am however planning to try something new this weekend after my DC process. Speaking of DC, I have succeeded in doing both a dry DC and a post wash DC this month, one being protein and the other moisturizing. I've also succeeded in pre-pooing before every wash, even though once it was not as long and intense as I would have preferred due to timing constraints.

Essentially, I think it's going well. I'm not checking off products that were finished yet, that I'm leaving for the end of the month check in. I must say however, that since I've been on this journey, I am enjoying my hair much more than in the past. Not with regards to styling or wearing it out, but I actually enjoy taking care of it and seeing the fruits of my labour, even when it's a little slow going. This journey is teaching me the art of patience, and I am appreciative of it.

Pub Quiz

A little tradition has developed in my circle, that of a Pub Quiz Night every Thursday night. Due to LOGISTICS we have not been able to enjoy this little ritual for two weeks! And I'm having some withdrawal symptoms. Two weeks!!

Here's the deal. There was an awesome venue where the quiz nights were held. They served awesome cocktails, the ambiance was fabulous and we all liked it there! Now the venue has changed. Not the biggest deal on earth, except that other events often coincide and thus class with our beloved ritual. Which is again the case. Some hypnotist is performing and thus NO QUIZ NIGHT. My gray matter already feels a little dull, it would have been nice to be challenged and to spark things up again.

Speaking of which - in the past we used to have nights of playing 30 Seconds, which does not happen anymore. Yes, we still have sporadic poker nights, but I miss the intellectual stimulation and hilarity and frivolity that went hand in hand with 30 Seconds. Essentially, Quiz night ended up being the solution and NOW logistics are messing with us. And it's no fun at all!

BRING BACK THE CONSISTENCY OF MY THURSDAYS!

Status Quo

I have a friend. Years ago I described her as a good friend, in fact we've been friends since the 4th grade. We literally grew up together. We graduated high school together and we even went on to law school at the same time, albeit at different universities.

Then there came a time that I felt that she didn't appreciate me as a friend. I felt that I was the one calling her up all the time, whilst not receiving a phone call in return the next week. I felt that my ideas were never good enough, because we always ended up doing what she wanted. (Granted, she was the only one with a car at the time, but damn it, even the girl in the back seat would like a choice in the matter once in a while) I felt that I was doing all the work, that she wasn't putting in any effort into the relationship, and slowly but surely I started forming a new circle of friends and spent less and less time with her.

And so the years went by and times changed even more. Now she's married with two beautiful daughters and although I'm engaged, I'm nowhere near the domesticated wife and mother that she has become.(Irony, she's still a career woman as well. But yeah, my point is that my life is more than just my work and my home.) I have no regrets, and I certainly do not wish that I had her life, great as it might be.

As the years went by, I actually forgot why we drifted apart in the first place (I felt neglected in our friendship) and put it on the fact that our lives are solar systems apart. Today, I start to wonder, am I perhaps doing the same thing to other friends that I perceived her doing to me? Even back then, our lives were already very different, so did she "neglect" me because she had other priorities and I didn't see it? And am I now neglecting people due to a shift in my priorities? Do they feel neglected? Is the status quo reasonable? I do not regret where am in my life, and I do not regret who I am and how I got here. I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing, right now, regarding my relationships.

Tomorrow my doubts may be gone, like the fog before the sun. But today they're plaguing me.

April focus

Ahoy! It's the 4th month. Amazing. Just the other day it was Christmas. I mean, I have a gift I got for Christmas that I have not used yet! Time truly flies, and if one isn't careful, life would have passed you by. Yes, Chris Rock is right. Life is LONG. It's the longest thing you'll ever do. But truly living is an art. Really truly living, not going through the motions half assed because you're scared or have created self limiting obstacles for yourself. We have the crippling ability to get in our own way. Therefore I have devised a few focus points for this fourth month of the year 2012. I want to LIVE my life, even if it includes what other may deem nonsensical. I don't care, after all, it's my life.

• FOCUS during class in the afternoons. Actually pay attention, it will pay off in the long term. And re-do my class notes. Prepare more diligently long before the exams - have the long term memory do its job. 
• Listen to music as often as I can. It's as if life is a slice of bread and you spread some chocolate spread on it. Everything is more palatable with a decent soundtrack. I can't tell you how often a mediocre movie stood out and seemed AMAZING simply because it had a kick ass soundtrack. There are so many haters in this world, you cannot allow yourself to wallow in thoughts that originated in the mind of a hater.  An instant cure against that for me is the music. 
• Be more healthy. I'm gonna start right now by getting a BIG glass of water and drinking it, and repeating that action at least once every two hours. I have always been a person who doesn't drink enough water, and then I curse the Universe for my acne (when I was teen) or struggling with my weight loss plans, whilst I KNOW that more water a day will assist me in a huge way. 
• Easter is approaching and I plan to indulge completely, with hot cross buns, curried fish and chocolate. I also plan to spend some quality time with friends and family, specifically visiting my uncle in hospital, who have been released from the ICU. I can only thank God for keeping my beloved uncle safe and with us, my uncle himself being a man who has an amazing zest for life. 

Generally my point is that it does not matter if people look at you funny for doing something that you want to do. As long as YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE, doing what brings you joy, what makes you feel happy and fulfilled, and do what is good for YOU then it's all good.

And now to some hair focus points. Yes people, the obsession continues, and it will continue to exist until I reach my goals. Because simply put, having long hair is something that will bring me personal joy. Realistically speaking, yes I know, it'll take a couple of years to reach that magic mid back length, but I KNOW that it is possible, and I will not give up on my dream, as superficial as it may seem to some. To start off, here's the current list of hair care products in my stash:

• Pantene Silky Smooth Shampoo and Conditioner 
• L'Oreal Elvive Repairing Conditioner 
• Avon Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner for dry and damaged hair
• Avon Overnight Elixir
• ORS Aloe Moisturizing Shampoo
• ORS Hair Mayonnaise
• ORS Replenishing Pak Conditioner (1pack)
• ORS HAIresque Deep Conditioner (1pack)
• ORS Olive Oil Moisturizing Lotion
• ORS Olive Oil Moisturizer Hair dress (tub) 
• ORS Hair Fertilizer
• Dark and Lovely Ultimate Cholesterol Deep Conditioner
• Dark and Lovely Anti-Breakage Conditioning Repair Mask
• Dark and Lovely Beautiful Beginnings Normal Relaxer Kit
• Dark and Lovely Oil Moisturizer Spray
• Castor Oil
• Coconut Oil
• Pure Glycerin
• Kair Light Serum
• Bone Straight Wrap, Blow and Setting lotion
• Self made leave in consisting of Protein Feed Conditioner, water and glycerin. 

Here's the kicker. EVERY time I enter a shop, I wander down the hair aisle, and contemplate getting something. I thought that I have restrained myself, but clearly, looking at this list, I have not succeeded. SO, hair goals for the month of April would include the following:

• FINISH at least 3 products. 
• Sleep with the damn SILK BONNET. I have been slacking and I can clearly see breakage. My hair should not have to suffer just because I'm in love. Heehee. Seriously though. Sleep with the bonnet!
• Experiment with some other methods of styling. I have fallen in a styling rut and although I can see general length retention,  I can also clearly see breakage around the edges which might dissipate if I attempt some styles which are lower in manipulation and which are more protective. I'm thinking...a thick hairband...reduce combing the edges, cover them up, drastically reduce manipulation, still look cute...I should check it out. 
• Moisturize and seal EVERY DAY! Yes, I can say that my schedule has become so hectic and that it's the reason behind my laziness, but that is NOT an excuse. If I want to see serious results, I need to step it up and commit!
• Properly pre-poo before every wash, and deep condition more often this month. I'm currently 6 weeks and some odd days post, my previous relaxer ended up being a texlaxing and I'm working with 3, count 'em, 3 different textures, and the new growth especially is THICK (which is also an indication of scalp health, so yippee), so I need to make sure that it has all the moisture and protein it needs to last until May. 
• There are a bit more than 5 weeks left until my planned day of relaxing. I'm in the stretch now, and I am still VERY serious about retaining 3cm in length. I need to step it up and be vigilant. 

So, there are the goals and focus points. Now, I will go and DO THEM. 

The obsession rears its head

At the end of this week, I'll be 6 weeks post. In the past, this would have been the stage where I would put the home relaxing kit in the budget, especially considering that my edges show the new growth the clearest. Since I've been on my HHJ, I have made the conscious decision to not follow my old routine anymore, but to consider the health of my hair and scalp and my goal to grow my hair longer than it's ever been. Thus I am now officially entering a stretch. The last time I relaxed, I did so at 10 weeks post. In addition, my hair was slightly under processed and I feel slightly texlaxed. Now, for a girl who has been relaxing her hair bone straight her entire life, the texlaxed hair feels like a bit of a nuisance, and essentially I now have two points of demarcation, and thus hair that simply wants to break off. What I'm already doing to prevent this:

• Avoiding heat. I must admit, I did a heat pass a week ago with my straightening iron. In my defense, it was the first time in over a month. That alone is a major victory for me, since I was married to my straightener!
• Deep conditioning ten times more than I ever did in my life before entering this journey, alternating between moisture and protein to prevent overload. 
• Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. seal, seal, seal. Which reminds me, I need to buy more coconut oil, my current bottle is on its very last legs. I also wish to get castor oil. I want to test it as I have heard numerous testimonies praising its use as a sealant and growth aid. 
• I roller set religiously. My hair hasn't received a straight blow out in over three months. 
• Wide tooth comb, wide tooth comb. 
• Low manipulation. Although I comb my hair every day,I do so extremely gently, also checking my combs for hair once I'm finished. Once my hair is in its set style, I refrain from messing with it through out the day. 

Now, despite the above, I'm still experiencing more breakage than I would like, especially around my edges, even though I do not wear styles that put much strain on them. Although it's much less than it was before, I wish to minimize it even more. What follows are what I am going to try to incorporate into my regimen to assist me in my stretch and to retain as much length as possible. My main goal regarding retention is to retain 3cm by 11 May 2012, which is the scheduled next relaxer date. 

• MUST sleep with silk bonnet or scarf EVERY night. I have become a little lax in this department and I need to fix it. 
• Ask significant other very nicely to not play with my hair as much when we're watching movies. He loves it but my tresses don't. 
• Healthier diet, healthier diet. Once again, many testimonies exist as to how a healthy diet assists in healthy hair. And a healthy body.
• Drink more water - connected to the point above. Moisturize from the inside. And healthy for me too. 

If anyone out there has any additional thoughts or advice, it would be appreciated. I do not plan on transitioning, but dealing with 3 different textures can be maddening. So, I will continue to be vigilant and I pray to reap the rewards very very soon. 

Raindrops falling on my head

Good morrow fair gentles!

It's been a minute since I've been here and I must say that I think I might have achieved some of my goals regarding balance, as mentioned last week. I've been eating like a normal human being again, instead of like a little bird. I feel much better, being less dizzy and not as fatigued. I believe that I have corrected my moisture/protein balance and that my tresses are on their way to being fabulous. I need to work out a new exercise regime to get to the gym in the mornings, as I now have class in the afternoons after work. And there is definitely work being done (by both parties) regarding the restoration of balance in my relationship.

Summer is definitely over and there's a distinct chill in the air. And it's still raining! It's been pouring cats and dogs for hours, people reporting over 80mm/3inches of rain during the course of the night alone. And the rain has not let up yet. It is awesome, perfect for pancakes and cuddling.

There is just one little problem, and I know that I am not the only one who thinks or feels this when the downpour comes - any effort you put into styling your hair is out the window! It ends up frizzy and shapeless. If you're not careful to sort it out as soon as you get home, you end up with a matted mess prone to breakage. I am protective styling practically all the time, and I believe the moisturizing and sealing is really assisting me in regaining strong, healthy hair and retaining growth. It still is a bit of a suck fest if half way through the day you're no longer professional looking and more than likely resemble a chow puppy. I believe it might be time for me to start investing in wigs and phony pony's. My edges are not cooperating as I would like them to, thus I am going to avoid extensions and sew-ins for the time being and simply continue to do protective styling without putting pressure on my scalp.

Lastly, it must be mentioned that it is ridiculous that in this small city, it takes almost an hour to get one from one place to another in rush hour traffic, whilst during any other time it doesn't even take you 15minutes. How is it possible that the powers that be have not made any plans in the past ten years regarding our infrastructure, and most specifically the roadways?? The city experience a constant influx of people and cars, but the roads aren't big enough and housing is so expensive due to lack of supply  and an ever-increasing demand that the UPPER middle class are renting because they can't find property that is consistent with the mortgages that they qualify for. But fear not. The city coffers are full enough so that executives have massive ENTERTAINMENT allowances. It irks me, that as a taxpayer, I must suffer due to the incompetence of the naked emperors. I know, I know. Be the change that you wish to see in the world. Somebody PLEASE tell me HOW in this particular instance??

Balance

I crave it, I desire it, I wish for it, I dream of it, I need it, I attempt to the very core of my being to attain it. Balance is so essential to one's physical and mental well being, and ironically, although the concept is simple enough, so few people are truly balanced and have achieved true equilibrium.

Yes, it's true. My sense of balance and equilibrium will not be the same as the next person's, but it is essential for us to have that sense of inner peace. Once we are balanced, then we don't feel empty and unfulfilled. We don't feel as if we need to chase the next high, whether that high be manifested in the form of a raise, a promotion, sex, alcohol or drugs. Once in balance, and were we to work diligently to maintain said balance, then emotions won't fly high and hysteria will not ensue. We won't feel the need to shout at our partner, because, even if slighted, we will know how to approach the situation calmly so as to restore balance. We won't feel the need to drink ourselves into a stupor, because we won't recognize that, when inebriated that we are particularly out of balance, in more ways than one. (Have you ever seen a drunk person be able to stand on one leg for longer than 2 seconds? I didn't think so) We wouldn't feel the need to chase after the opposite sex, having meaningless encounter after meaningless encounter, because we wouldn't fear committing to another person. We wouldn't feel unhappy in our jobs, careers or professions, because we would be balanced and fully realize and understand our own capabilities and talents and will not allow to be dictated to in such a way which would disrupt our equilibrium. We would be able to appreciate the beauty around us and the beauty within ourselves and will not have self esteem issues, because we are at peace with ourselves and we consciously work towards maintaining that peace. And thus we will recognize those out of balance and not allow them to declare war on our balance.

Once in balance, the sun will shine brighter, the breeze would blow softer and cooler, the air would smell sweeter. Food will taste better, music would sound better and sex would feel amazing. Our bodies will be healthier and our minds clearer. Wars would end and peace would reign. If only we can make the effort to find balance within ourselves. It's like a smile, it's contagious, in a very good way. Because those who see you, if they are out of balance, will admire you, recognize the balance that you exude and then work to bring balance within their own personal realm.

So...personal missions for the week.

• Go to gym more regularly - must find balance in calories consumed and calories burnt
• Sort out my desk at work and calmly work through all my files, and approach my boss to give me a couple of active files that need attention - find balance between passive work activities where I wait for responses and active work activities where I take the lead 
• Speak to my fiance in a calm manner at all times, exude the love - find balance in my relationship
• Eat more veggies and drink more water - find balance in my diet
• Moisturize and seal my hair more diligently - correct the protein/moisture balance to reduce breakage and shedding. 
• Make more regular contact with my family - find balance in relationships and time spent between friends and family
• Pray more regularly and distinctly - find a balance in my life and my faith

I crave it, I desire it, I dream of it. And now I shall start working towards attaining it. What parts of your life do you think needs balance?

All I wanna do...

is have some fun. Y'all remember that Sheryl Crow song? Sometimes fun in my world isn't even limited to the dictionary definition of "fun". Sometimes, it's simply about doing what I want to do and getting what I want. Yes, that sounds selfish and immature, but if you've been catering to others' whims and fancies for as long as I have then you might digress from the judgment about to pop from your mind directed towards me. Essentially to have such selfish whimsical thoughts is a short game statement. But a bigger picture exists - if one's immediate desires aren't at least sometimes fulfilled, resentment builds. And right now...

The other day I spoke of love and about how the little things show the existence of love and are manifestations of love. But today I am annoyed to no end by "the little things" because certain people have this ability to ONLY see the little things and forget all about the bigger picture. And every once in a while I feel that it is prudent to take a look at the bigger picture, to look at the long game, to carefully consider the next shot you make so you can actually line up the one right after. Sometimes, just sometimes, life is like a game of pool. You need to think about what you want in the long term if you want to win the game. And right now I am being hounded by short game players.

What I want is for you to open your eyes and look at the bigger picture. Are you compromising for the sake of compromise or are you looking at the big picture? Are you making a specific statement because of your immediate feelings and surroundings, or have you thought about your long game? Are you going to perform a certain action for immediate gratification or are you considering the possible positive future consequences? The question thus is, WHY do you do WHAT you do WHEN you do it?

Drama, drama, drama

Well, ladies and gentleman, it's official, Murphy HATES me. And I don't know what to do anymore to get this little bastard on my side. Okay, okay, details.

On Saturday, my apartment door lock broke and I was locked inside my apartment, had to call for help to get out. Was trapped in a TINY bachelor's flat. Eish, at least got out of there and then had a great day of sun, wine coolers and rugby! And a great evening of ciders, shots and playing "I never". It's great acting like you're 21 and in college again.

Move on to Monday. When my car's remote decided to stop working and my car refused to cooperate and stayed locked no matter what me, Ash or mechanic from the dealership tried. My car can officially not be broken into without causing major damage. Unfortunately, major damage has now been caused, in order for my car to move and for the dealership to fix the problem, my window had to smashed out. Watching that happen stung. But we're on the road to healing and fixing now, hopefully I'll have the Phoenix back before the weekend. And a free courtesy car is in the works, hopefully available within the next couple of hours.

Now, to move on to a lighter topic - my hair! t's been a while since I've rambled about my tresses, but I must say that I think my new regimen is yielding results. Of course patience is the key word, but I am getting compliments left right and center and I think that is a major achievement. Also, I do believe that I am actually retaining length. The basis for this belief is the size rollers that I use to roller set, and the fact that I am using more and more larger sized rollers, especially compared to the start of my journey. I am planning to post progress pictures soon, even if just for my own personal encouragement. Another major personal achievement is the lack of heat I use on my hair. My GHD and Toni&Guy straighteners are beginning to feel slightly obsolete, but I'm not giving them away, one never knows when they might simply rescue a style attempt. I am very proud of myself though for the minimal manipulation on my hair, minimal heat, as well as being vigilant to sleep with a silk bonnet every night.

As a sign off, I would like to express thanks to Ebony from Longing4Length for the awesome tips and advise and encouragement. To her credit I am wearing a Rihanna-esque hairstyle today and loving it.

Now, a question to y'all - any latest experiences with Murphy where you wish he was tangible so that you could kick his ass?