The past 72 hours I have been walking around in a daze. Yes, I'm doing what needs to be done, I talk to people, I go to work, I eat 3 meals a day, I take my showers, I moisturize,seal and wrap my hair. But I am on auto pilot, because if I truly turn off the auto pilot and retake the reigns at this very moment, I might crash the damn plane.
Everyone has experienced heart ache and heart break. If you say you haven't, then you've never opened yourself up to anyone ever before, and you've never fully risked before. Well, I smashed down walls, with a massive sledge hammer, I broke rules as if they weren't there for a reason, all in the name of love. And after risking it all, the bookie came to collect. And I'm left with what feels like a zombie apocalyptic wasteland. Every now and then something shakes me out of my reverie, and I feel myself losing breath, as if running from the monsters chasing me, my blood rushing in my ears and my heart beat pounding in my throat. Before I can stop myself tears stream down my face and I start feeling as if death has his icy grip around my neck. But thanks to the fact that is not my first rodeo I quickly grab the proverbial shotgun and start shooting those zombies in the head, my sole focus keeping myself together long enough to get to a safe place.
I thank the Lord for the soldiers who fight beside me, the women who pass me another tissue, or another shot of Jagermeister. The friends who listen while I ramble at a mile a minute as if this has never before happened to anyone else. My mother who knows that for now the topic is off limits if I am to hold on to my composure. The colleagues who already know the different looks upon my face that I experienced the intense fear of not making it. I thank the Lord for all of these superstars who support me without coddling me, for if it were not for them, I might have been turned into a full fledged brain craving zombie myself already.
Essentially, I can't even think of the future right now, just attempting to think beyond tomorrow bring on the cold sweats. My focus is getting through today. If I can survive today, tomorrow might be easier.