Friday, June 29, 2012

My personal zombie apocalypse

The past 72 hours I have been walking around in a daze. Yes, I'm doing what needs to be done, I talk to people, I go to work, I eat 3 meals a day, I take my showers, I moisturize,seal and wrap my hair. But I am on auto pilot, because if I truly turn off the auto pilot and retake the reigns at this very moment, I might crash the damn plane.

Everyone has experienced heart ache and heart break. If you say you haven't, then you've never opened yourself up to anyone ever before, and you've never fully risked before. Well, I smashed down walls, with a massive sledge hammer, I broke rules as if they weren't there for a reason, all in the name of love. And after risking it all, the bookie came to collect. And I'm left with what feels like a zombie apocalyptic wasteland. Every now and then something shakes me out of my reverie, and I feel myself losing breath, as if running from the monsters chasing me, my blood rushing in my ears and my heart beat pounding in my throat. Before I can stop myself tears stream down my face and I start feeling as if death has his icy grip around my neck. But thanks to the fact that is not my first rodeo I quickly grab the proverbial shotgun and start shooting those zombies in the head, my sole focus keeping myself together long enough to get to a safe place.

I thank the Lord for the soldiers who fight beside me, the women who pass me another tissue, or another shot of Jagermeister. The friends who listen while I ramble at a mile a minute as if this has never before happened to anyone else. My mother who knows that for now the topic is off limits if I am to hold on to my composure. The colleagues who already know the different looks upon my face that I experienced the intense fear of not making it. I thank the Lord for all of these superstars who support me without coddling me, for if it were not for them, I might have been turned into a full fledged brain craving zombie myself already.

Essentially, I can't even think of the future right now, just attempting to think beyond tomorrow bring on the cold sweats. My focus is getting through today. If I can survive today, tomorrow might be easier.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Successful experiment!

So, I got home last night and looked myself in the mirror. I have been a very good girl the past 4 days, moisturizing and sealing religiously, as little manipulation as possible and sleeping with my little silk wrap every night without fail. However, as it being winter, I'm sealing with serum, specifically ORS Glossing Polisher, which is heavier than coconut oil and thus my hair felt a little grimy and ready for a wash. After making the decision to wash I also eyed the left over colour from a couple of months ago, Caivil Ebony Black, a temporary rinse containing no ammonia or peroxide.

So I grabbed the colour and contrary to the instructions on the box I applied it to my dry hair, covering the detangled strands as much as possible. After that I slathered on Protein Feed Conditioner as a pre-poo right on top of the colour, covered my head with a shower cap, then a HOT towel, and a plastic bag over that and then enjoyed a cup of coffee and an episode of Supernatural, or two. I then jumped in the shower and proceeded with my normal wash day routine except that I didn't DC last night.

Regardless my hair came out SOFT and the colour intense. I proceeded to roller set, spritzing my home made leave in as I went along, dry with my hairdryer being on the cold air setting and then wrapped up my hair and passed out whilst watching more Supernatural. (Oh Dean, oh Dean!! He is so fine!!) This morning I simply bunned my hair with the help of an EZ comb, and my hair is soft, shiny, glossy, and the colour is lovely. I'm almost 5 weeks post and although I clearly feel my NG, it's not a bother, my hair is so soft that the freaking EZ comb wants to slip out if look over my shoulder too fast. And I love it!! All in all, I would say, a success.

PS Loving the HHJ, especially the random compliments from friends and colleagues. :-)

Monday, June 18, 2012

A bit of a review

And it's Monday once more, the start of a new week, with new challenges laying ahead of us all. As well as a day for a bit of reflection for the week gone by. And it has gone by quickly. 

Quick update - I've had a monster of a cold which is only dissipating now. I had an assignment which was handed in 2 minutes before cut off time. I've learned that a hot water bottle is MAGIC to warm the bed during these FREEZING winter months without chasing up my power bill. And I've tried out a new product and I officially need to put my thoughts down, because it's bad. 

Okay, first of all, this is a short product review and it is NOT sponsored. The brand is Dr Miracle's and the products that I've tried include the Anti-Breakage Strengthening Creme, the Deep Conditioning Treatment and the Conditioning Leave-in treatment, all of which formed part of the Conditioning Treatment Pack. I admit, my expectations were a little on the high side because of a colleague who sang the products' praises. However, I was sorely disappointed. And here's why:
  • the leave in conditioner gave NO slip whatsoever and left my hair feeling hard and unmanageable whilst attempting to rollerset. Because I didn't want to throw away the rest of the packet I mixed it with my conditioner/water/glycerin mix, and the result is a bit more shine, but I will not buy this product again. 
  • the deep conditioner was also a disappointment. Yes, the tingle upon the scalp felt nice. Yes, it smelled nice. Yes, my hair felt soft right after I rinsed it. No, my hair did not continue to feel soft during the roller setting process. No, my hair did not feel soft after it dried. No, my hair had no shine or movement. No, I will not purchase this product again. 
  • the anti-breakage cream was the MOST disappointing. I decided to use it as if a growth aid and hair dress and to seal, since it contains petrolatum in its ingredients list. Again the tingle felt nice, it makes one believe that your hair is growing. But during the little over two weeks of using the product (applying it every night, with this product, a little really does go a LONG way) I've noticed INCREASED breakage and shedding, especially in the front half of my head. 
On the flip side, I can feel that my hair has grown quite a bit, especially around my crown and back, even around the nape(which never happened in the past) so I am not discouraged by this little set back. 

In conclusion, there are MANY products in the Dr Miracle's lineup, but after being sorely disappointed after simply testing only 3 of those, I don't think that I will be attempting any others. Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Monday, June 11, 2012

It's true, your feelings are powerful!

We've all been there. We've read The Secret and listened to the Teachings of Abraham Hicks. We have heard how positive thinking can uplift your spirit as well as your circumstances. If you're sick, think healthy. If you're hungry, visualize that awesome meal and before you know it, someone will invite you to dinner. If you're struggling financially, don't focus on it, and you will receive in abundance. Do not speak of what you don't want, speak of what you already have and are grateful for and of what you desire to come as if you already have it. And then FEEL the gratitude, love, joy, happiness that goes along with that desire being in your life.

I have perfected that kind of thinking in certain areas of my life, but today I realized that I have been a fool,  because when it came to the big stuff, my head was filled with negative thinking. I was selective in using the Secret and applying the power of Attraction. My relationship hit some major bumps in the road,and it would not have if I just re-tuned myself onto a more positive frequency ages ago. Yes, it takes two to tango, but one person's energy can greatly influence that of his or her partner, I know that now more clearly than ever.

I know of a loved one who's finances are a mess, and they stress about it all the time. Mine are a mess too, but I try to not focus on it, and yet, I am always provided for. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly every day. But still I have not filled my mind and heart with the good positive feelings of already having that, and thus every month I still feel a bit of a struggle instead of receiving in abundance.

My career is not where I would have wanted it to be, but I focus on the fact that I KNOW that I am on the road to greatness and legend, and thus my job is not a chore, but a joy. However, I still have moments where I cuss myself for not making different choices years before and thus I deprive myself of the true joy that I should be feeling to be advancing more rapidly within my career.

And lastly, the point that made me realize how true ALL of this is - my hair journey. Yes, it seems trivial to some, but hear me out. I have been in a negative space for the past week or so. Yesterday I had a major wash day, putting in ALL the effort and time. And at the end of it all, I felt that my hair lacked shine, luster, movement and I could see that I have experienced some hectic breakage and shedding in just the past WEEK. And so I realised, my negative feelings have been SO powerful, that it affected me physically, specifically regarding my hair, which I take more notice of since starting my HHJ.

And THAT's where my epiphany originates from. I can't be positive and think positive selectively. I can't say that I can ALWAYS find a parking space in a crowded mall parking lot, but then I'm negative about the amount of money in my wallet. I can't be positive about my weight loss but then be negative about the condition of my skin. I can't be positive about my car (which I LOVE to drive) but then be negative about my flat. I can't be selective when it comes to changing my life!

Personal Monday directive: change comes with one step. That step for this week - SPEAK only in a positive manner. The mouth runneth over what the heart is full of. If I can control what I say, I can control what I think, I can control what  feel. Point is, today is a new day. And I wish to experience the best of this day, every day.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Expectations and disappointment

How often do we not derail our own hopes and dreams with unrealistic expectations of self or others? We as a species have a myriad of expectations. we expect recognition if we've worked hard. We set deadlines for our goals, whether it be graduation, that promotion, a raise, that last ten pounds to lose, when to quit smoking, when to get married, when to start a family, when to own a house, when to start our own business, when to earn large family which will afford you the mansion and the expensive car.

We expect loved ones to treat us in a certain way. We want professional peers to regard us in a certain manner. We expect wishes and presents on our birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, whatever day. We expect sympathy and concerned questions when we walk into a room and we KNOW that we look as horrible as we feel. We expect to be congratulated if we come bearing big news. We expect to be comforted if we feel sad.

Essentially we want to prescribe to the world how we want to be loved and treated without really  saying it out loud. And then those expectations aren't met, those deadlines aren't met and we crack. We end up feeling disappointed, unloved and unworthy. We start doubting ourselves and we start to talk ourselves down. We start to develop self esteem issues, as well as trust issues, because we've been disappointed and hurt too often. We start being scared and avoid risks, be they in life, work or love. We think that the risk is too high so rather not take it and then never experience disappointment. 

THAT life is a life I do not want to live. I would rather accept that others may love me in different ways than I would have envisioned, and then if I want something specific I'll open my mouth and express my wish. I will not have deadlines anymore! Yes, goals will always be there, but I will not cripple myself anymore if a certain goal was attained a little late than initially thought. If I feel that I need a hug, I'd give one first and then comfort is received all round. I would stop talking down to myself and lift my damn head again. For years my biggest point of pride was that I had no regrets, and that I could always look myself straight in the mirror. This past week I experienced regret, but I need to forgive myself right now and look myself in the eye again, for if I don't love myself, I can't expect others to love me in any way.

Point is, don't you think that if we expected a little less and did a little more and simply enjoyed life and it's twists and turns and surprises that we'll all be a little happier and content? That is what I wish for myself, and for others.