On our way to the 2012 Jazz Festival

We are moments away from going to the 2012 Windhoek Jazz Festival and every year it has been a roaring success and soooooo much fun, and I highly doubt that this year would an exception. The greatest thing about the festival is the combination of good music, great friends and being out in the open air. 

Today I need to state that it's the God honest truth that all things happen for a reason. I thought that a year and a half of my life has been wasted, but I realize now that I had to go through that experience to learn things about myself and about life that I never knew of. I learned that I have an amazing temper, the kind that people tremble before. I have also learned how to control it and how to determine when and where it is appropriate to flip my script. I've learned that just because someone says they love you does not always make it true, even when you feel love for them. Sometimes the sad simple truth is that they don't even know what love is. I learned that I am sometimes susceptible to change my behaviour in my quest for happiness, but I've also learned that changing who I am for the sake of someone else is never the answer, and that I would simply lose myself in the process. I've learned that it is not that easy of a task to find yourself again, but it sure as hell is not impossible. I've learned that true friends stick by you, no matter what, and that fair weather friends are many, and they are fickle. I've learned that happiness resides within oneself and that one must not look to someone else to make you happy, nor should anyone burden you for their happiness. At the end of the day I learned that life is what you make of it. 

Now to get back to the Jazz. If I was still in that train wreck of a relationship, I probably would have gotten into an argument to go to the biggest festival in town, and now I'm free to support my friend and have an awesome time. So yeah, I'm happy, truly happy. 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Letting go...easier said than done

Well good morning world. The weekend has been a mish mash of experiences and feelings, and thoughts that sometimes simply did not make sense. Essentially, it's easy to know what your hard limits are, what you will not tolerate. It's easier to formulate in your head the positive, to know exactly what you do want and what you desire. One thing that I've known about myself forever is that I am attracted to intelligence and wit, the kind that some people may find weird or disconcerting. It makes me wonder why in the world I was with someone for the longest time who was not in my league, neither intellectually, culturally or socially. 

We were simply a wrong fit, but I fell hook line and sinker and today I can't say why. I don't know what I fell in love with, perhaps it was the idea of love more than anything else of him. Maybe I was very deeply in love with the idea of actually committing to someone, of being in a stable relationship, of becoming a "grown-up". Well, it turned out that he was not stable and thus the relationship itself wasn't stable, in fact, it was downright stormy as the end neared. I think back at that time and although there were good, happy times, it's very hard for me to remember those clearly, when the bad, shitty times are so vivid in my mind's eye. It's tremendously difficult for me to own up to myself, because I should realised long before the end was glaringly obvious to the world that I was in a toxic situation and that I needed to extract myself from it. In the end I did and technically I'm free. 

But, since we're being honest, is one ever truly free after having gone through something like this? How does one truly get rid of the poison that still course through my veins? Many people would answer that forgiveness is the answer, that forgiveness is for me and not the other person, it's to free me and not him. My head tells me that it's the right answer and that I should forgive him and let him go, that I should not have the burden of bad memories weighing me down. My heart on the other hand wishes to smite and avenge itself, to plan plots of destruction against the person who hurt me. But revenge is a difficult game, it requires patience and a resolve of steel, and more commitment than anything one can imagine. 

He's not worth all of that effort. He's simply worthy of being a castaway with no hope of rescue. I am worthy of so much more than pain and nightmares. I realise now that I can let go a little more each day, but it's still not easy. I understand why people end up in rebound situations now. I understand it, but I don't want it, otherwise I'll never heal completely and thoroughly. What I want and need is time, time to process, time to forgive, time to let go. And I need to give MYSELF that time. No one else will, it's up to me. 

An aftershock of note

I have considered myself to have been moving on. In fact, I have been feeling rather good about my personal progress, avoiding carrying a grudge and acknowledging any feelings which may come over me so as to not have those feelings crush me. I have been getting back to my life, and I have put my priorities back in order. I have been feeling happy again.

Unfortunately, certain people have the emotional range of a teaspoon, and a bent rusty tea spoon at that, turning to devices of carrying grudges, exacting revenge and slanderous comments and rumours about yours truly. I am still so shocked at this that I have not truly reacted to it, not really. I do feel the effect of it though.

A terrible fatigue has enveloped me since this morning, even though I slept like a baby. I feel tired and my limbs feel incredibly heavy. My hair is pinned up, but honestly, it doesn't look as put together as always, and today, I don't really care that much. It's protected, so it'll survive. My eyes barely stay open and instead of racing across the keyboard, my fingers feel as if they're filled with lead and every word is a struggle to get out.

This has nothing to do with the fact that the relationship is over, but it does have everything to do with the fact that one can still be shocked and hurt by the other's actions in the aftermath. The main quake has subsided, this is an aftershock, which registers quite high on the damn Richter scale. How could you spread such vicious lies?! You kiss your mother with that mouth? How dare you put my career in jeopardy?! Did you ever care at all? Or was it simply an obsession, as I rightly suspected during the finishing stretch of the "relationship" in any event? Have you always been this warped in your perception, or was I just a blind fool who did not want to acknowledge that I'm sleeping with the ENEMY???

Now here's the sixty four thousand dollar question - what did I learn from this? I learned that looks can be hella deceiving. I learned that you can never truly realise how unhinged someone can be. I've learned that I need to listen to my gut at all times. It speaks louder than my heart and my head combined, it speaks truth. I've learned that rules are there for a reason and are not to be broken. Yes, at heart I'm a rebel, but look what breaking my OWN rules got me??? Never again. I've learned, more than ever before, that friends are wonderful and a blessing, existing in many different guises. I've learned that, if in doubt, DON'T!! I've learned that I can handle the pain and that I'm stronger for it. And I've learned that when something seems to good to be true, then it SIMPLY IS. I've learned that prayer gives me strength. And I've learned that I am not responsible for anyone's happiness, nor am I the pack rat who must carry someone else's baggage. Last, but not least in any way sense or form, I've learned that one cannot reason with a narcissistic, chauvinistic, unhinged, controlling, possessive, jealous megalomaniac. Even when you see the good in them, the bad WILL start to outweigh it, they WILL be found wanting at the end of the day, and your heart WILL be broken. so, don't even try. Recognize and RUN!!!! I know I should have...long before now...long before this.

I caught the bouquet!

I know, I haven't been here in a minute. To be fair, nothing interesting happened regarding my hair. and I've been nowhere near a PC for a few days. However, I did partake in the celebration of a blessed union, and I did it without having a mini break down. My cousin got married this past weekend and it was truly an occasion to remember. And I mean in every sense.

The decor was superb, the food was amazing, the DJ knew what he was doing more than half the time, (which is good, I've been to many weddings where the DJ had no clue) there was an open bar (!) and it was held at the spectacular Namibian coast, the desert air crisp and clear and chilly. I still need to negotiate with my photographer dad for some pics.

It was a beautiful wedding and an amazing reception, but what amazed me the most, which I have not seen before, was the bridal couple being some of the last people to leave the reception hall. They danced with everyone, they chatted with everyone, the bride led the conga line!! They had fun and truly celebrated their union.

Yes, it is true that I'm wrestling with the idea of commitment (again!) but it did put a smile on my face to see these beautiful young people commit themselves and their lives to one another. Witnessing this almost gave me new hope regarding the topics of love and relationships and commitment and monogamy and all that jazz.

And then of course, the irony of life (if nothing else, God has a wry sense of humor) - I caught the bridal bouquet, something that has never happened to me before. Some say I should see it as a sign. Right now all I see is the funny twists and turns the paths of my life are taking these days, but I smiled and I enjoyed the moment of victory.

On the topic of hair, I did a roller set, wrapped it and wore my hair out for the wedding. The roots experienced a hell of a lot of reversion (cold, damp, coastal air) but for the most part I looked cute through out the night in my purple. pink and grey ensemble. When I got home, thoroughly exhausted, I simply wrapped my hair and passed out. The next morning I just moisturized and sealed by spritzing clean water and using a silicone serum to seal and then bunned my hair. By the time I got home to the dryer interior the reversion from the previous 24 hours was gone and my hair still soft and manageable. Next wash will either be a minor one tonight before heading out to dinner with my closest girlfriends, or a major one Saturday morning, which will include a long coconut oil pre-poo and a nice long DC with a heated towel while I watch Supernatural.(Hello there Dean!!)

Until next time, have an awesome hump day!!

My personal zombie apocalypse

The past 72 hours I have been walking around in a daze. Yes, I'm doing what needs to be done, I talk to people, I go to work, I eat 3 meals a day, I take my showers, I moisturize,seal and wrap my hair. But I am on auto pilot, because if I truly turn off the auto pilot and retake the reigns at this very moment, I might crash the damn plane.

Everyone has experienced heart ache and heart break. If you say you haven't, then you've never opened yourself up to anyone ever before, and you've never fully risked before. Well, I smashed down walls, with a massive sledge hammer, I broke rules as if they weren't there for a reason, all in the name of love. And after risking it all, the bookie came to collect. And I'm left with what feels like a zombie apocalyptic wasteland. Every now and then something shakes me out of my reverie, and I feel myself losing breath, as if running from the monsters chasing me, my blood rushing in my ears and my heart beat pounding in my throat. Before I can stop myself tears stream down my face and I start feeling as if death has his icy grip around my neck. But thanks to the fact that is not my first rodeo I quickly grab the proverbial shotgun and start shooting those zombies in the head, my sole focus keeping myself together long enough to get to a safe place.

I thank the Lord for the soldiers who fight beside me, the women who pass me another tissue, or another shot of Jagermeister. The friends who listen while I ramble at a mile a minute as if this has never before happened to anyone else. My mother who knows that for now the topic is off limits if I am to hold on to my composure. The colleagues who already know the different looks upon my face that I experienced the intense fear of not making it. I thank the Lord for all of these superstars who support me without coddling me, for if it were not for them, I might have been turned into a full fledged brain craving zombie myself already.

Essentially, I can't even think of the future right now, just attempting to think beyond tomorrow bring on the cold sweats. My focus is getting through today. If I can survive today, tomorrow might be easier.

Expectations and disappointment

How often do we not derail our own hopes and dreams with unrealistic expectations of self or others? We as a species have a myriad of expectations. we expect recognition if we've worked hard. We set deadlines for our goals, whether it be graduation, that promotion, a raise, that last ten pounds to lose, when to quit smoking, when to get married, when to start a family, when to own a house, when to start our own business, when to earn large family which will afford you the mansion and the expensive car.

We expect loved ones to treat us in a certain way. We want professional peers to regard us in a certain manner. We expect wishes and presents on our birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, whatever day. We expect sympathy and concerned questions when we walk into a room and we KNOW that we look as horrible as we feel. We expect to be congratulated if we come bearing big news. We expect to be comforted if we feel sad.

Essentially we want to prescribe to the world how we want to be loved and treated without really  saying it out loud. And then those expectations aren't met, those deadlines aren't met and we crack. We end up feeling disappointed, unloved and unworthy. We start doubting ourselves and we start to talk ourselves down. We start to develop self esteem issues, as well as trust issues, because we've been disappointed and hurt too often. We start being scared and avoid risks, be they in life, work or love. We think that the risk is too high so rather not take it and then never experience disappointment. 

THAT life is a life I do not want to live. I would rather accept that others may love me in different ways than I would have envisioned, and then if I want something specific I'll open my mouth and express my wish. I will not have deadlines anymore! Yes, goals will always be there, but I will not cripple myself anymore if a certain goal was attained a little late than initially thought. If I feel that I need a hug, I'd give one first and then comfort is received all round. I would stop talking down to myself and lift my damn head again. For years my biggest point of pride was that I had no regrets, and that I could always look myself straight in the mirror. This past week I experienced regret, but I need to forgive myself right now and look myself in the eye again, for if I don't love myself, I can't expect others to love me in any way.

Point is, don't you think that if we expected a little less and did a little more and simply enjoyed life and it's twists and turns and surprises that we'll all be a little happier and content? That is what I wish for myself, and for others.

Status Quo

I have a friend. Years ago I described her as a good friend, in fact we've been friends since the 4th grade. We literally grew up together. We graduated high school together and we even went on to law school at the same time, albeit at different universities.

Then there came a time that I felt that she didn't appreciate me as a friend. I felt that I was the one calling her up all the time, whilst not receiving a phone call in return the next week. I felt that my ideas were never good enough, because we always ended up doing what she wanted. (Granted, she was the only one with a car at the time, but damn it, even the girl in the back seat would like a choice in the matter once in a while) I felt that I was doing all the work, that she wasn't putting in any effort into the relationship, and slowly but surely I started forming a new circle of friends and spent less and less time with her.

And so the years went by and times changed even more. Now she's married with two beautiful daughters and although I'm engaged, I'm nowhere near the domesticated wife and mother that she has become.(Irony, she's still a career woman as well. But yeah, my point is that my life is more than just my work and my home.) I have no regrets, and I certainly do not wish that I had her life, great as it might be.

As the years went by, I actually forgot why we drifted apart in the first place (I felt neglected in our friendship) and put it on the fact that our lives are solar systems apart. Today, I start to wonder, am I perhaps doing the same thing to other friends that I perceived her doing to me? Even back then, our lives were already very different, so did she "neglect" me because she had other priorities and I didn't see it? And am I now neglecting people due to a shift in my priorities? Do they feel neglected? Is the status quo reasonable? I do not regret where am in my life, and I do not regret who I am and how I got here. I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing, right now, regarding my relationships.

Tomorrow my doubts may be gone, like the fog before the sun. But today they're plaguing me.

Monday, oh Monday

It was a good weekend, that I must say. Had a great Friday night, which was of course completely due to the awesome company surrounding me.

Of course there was an altercation with someone telephonically which pissed me off to such a degree that the White Which of Narnia would have had nothing on me. Certain people should learn to understand that white hot rage, where I scream and throw things, is not my ultimate level of anger. Cold as ice, I could not give a tiny rat's ass anymore anger; that's the type you very much want to avoid and that's the degree I reached Friday night. The result - nuclear winter. So, work hard at it buddy, now you have to work like there's no tomorrow if you ever want to experience the warm loving side of me.

In other news, my bedside table is starting to resemble a stylist's counter at a salon. I think that from hereon out I will avoid buying any new products and finish what I currently have. Besides, I have heard over and over that products form a smaller percentage to the progress one's hair makes, but that it is rather one's habits and HOW one uses said products that make the difference.

Lastly, it is officially Monday, so let the week begin.

Cupid can kiss my a$$

For the first time IN MY LIFE I am in a committed relationship on Valentine's Day. And of course as Murphy would have it, my beloved is hundreds of kilometers away from me. And it feels as if V Day is on steroids this year, it's red and white everywhere I look. And hearts and flowers, and all I want to do is watch an extremely violent action movie! I have always hated this day. And now that I am in love, I can't even celebrate my love. FML

On another note, went to a Retro Aerobic class yesterday, and it was the BOMB. I will definitely go again. In fact, the instructor, Andrie, is such a force to be reckoned with, I want to attend all her classes. I have not been this active in years and I pray that the weight will correspond to the activity.

Lastly, I'm going on ten weeks post and the arrangements have already been made to relax my hair this coming Saturday with the help of a friend. With my new found anal retentiveness when it comes to my hair, I will prep my hair with moisturizing oil to protect the previously relaxed hair, will be strict to NOT overlap, will NOT exceed the timing chart and will shampoo with the neutralizing shampoo till I'm sick of it. A tip I found which I will try is to, after about the 4th lather and rinse, to keep the neutralizer in my hair for 10 to 15 minutes, to ensure NO over processing. After relaxing will use a moisturizing deep conditioner and then rollerset and wrap. Heat is reserved for special occasions.

Well, enough rambling for one post.

Random thought of the day: Considering having my nails done on Friday. Guess that makes it a pretty girly weekend. Can't wait for rugby season!