I have considered myself to have been moving on. In fact, I have been feeling rather good about my personal progress, avoiding carrying a grudge and acknowledging any feelings which may come over me so as to not have those feelings crush me. I have been getting back to my life, and I have put my priorities back in order. I have been feeling happy again.
Unfortunately, certain people have the emotional range of a teaspoon, and a bent rusty tea spoon at that, turning to devices of carrying grudges, exacting revenge and slanderous comments and rumours about yours truly. I am still so shocked at this that I have not truly reacted to it, not really. I do feel the effect of it though.
A terrible fatigue has enveloped me since this morning, even though I slept like a baby. I feel tired and my limbs feel incredibly heavy. My hair is pinned up, but honestly, it doesn't look as put together as always, and today, I don't really care that much. It's protected, so it'll survive. My eyes barely stay open and instead of racing across the keyboard, my fingers feel as if they're filled with lead and every word is a struggle to get out.
This has nothing to do with the fact that the relationship is over, but it does have everything to do with the fact that one can still be shocked and hurt by the other's actions in the aftermath. The main quake has subsided, this is an aftershock, which registers quite high on the damn Richter scale. How could you spread such vicious lies?! You kiss your mother with that mouth? How dare you put my career in jeopardy?! Did you ever care at all? Or was it simply an obsession, as I rightly suspected during the finishing stretch of the "relationship" in any event? Have you always been this warped in your perception, or was I just a blind fool who did not want to acknowledge that I'm sleeping with the ENEMY???
Now here's the sixty four thousand dollar question - what did I learn from this? I learned that looks can be hella deceiving. I learned that you can never truly realise how unhinged someone can be. I've learned that I need to listen to my gut at all times. It speaks louder than my heart and my head combined, it speaks truth. I've learned that rules are there for a reason and are not to be broken. Yes, at heart I'm a rebel, but look what breaking my OWN rules got me??? Never again. I've learned, more than ever before, that friends are wonderful and a blessing, existing in many different guises. I've learned that, if in doubt, DON'T!! I've learned that I can handle the pain and that I'm stronger for it. And I've learned that when something seems to good to be true, then it SIMPLY IS. I've learned that prayer gives me strength. And I've learned that I am not responsible for anyone's happiness, nor am I the pack rat who must carry someone else's baggage. Last, but not least in any way sense or form, I've learned that one cannot reason with a narcissistic, chauvinistic, unhinged, controlling, possessive, jealous megalomaniac. Even when you see the good in them, the bad WILL start to outweigh it, they WILL be found wanting at the end of the day, and your heart WILL be broken. so, don't even try. Recognize and RUN!!!! I know I should have...long before now...long before this.