Friday, July 27, 2012

Pretty little liars

We pride ourselves on being honest and open, about people getting what they see and that they should not have unreasonable expectations. We make it clear that we are flawed and that we make mistakes. We also make it clear that change will not happen at the drop of a hat and definitely not at the instance of someone else. We believe firmly that change comes fro within and not because someone else wants it.

That's all GREAT. And also a BIG, FAT lie! Because we are liars. We are so adept at lying that we believe our own lies. Someone asks us how we're doing, we smile and say that we're good. And we believe it! We feel happy, and we laugh and joke with colleagues and friends. We put in a bit of effort to look as good as we feel, by putting on some make up and looking after out hair and making sure that our outfit for the day is cute and coordinated. We then proceed to float through the day, believing that we're floating on cloud 9.

And then it happens. Everyone knows it the minute it happens, and IT is different for everyone, it is unique to YOU and your personal circumstance. And immediately you snap, as if someone put on a light inside your brain and you recognize the lie for what it is and you see the truth standing next to it, smirking at you. You feel your smile drop and your brow furrow. You feel a slight hitch in your throat and a minor shortness of breath. It's as if a Dementor came across your path and sucked the cheerfulness and energy out of the f-ing day!

Now the trick is to then actually be bloody honest with yourself, acknowledge the truth, so not allow it to simply stand and smirk at you. and then DON'T go and shove the truth back into a dark corner!! Actually drag its ass into the light and DEAL with it. Yes, you can't deal with all your issues in one go. Yes, if you've been hurt, the pain doesn't simply disappear. Yes, sometimes life is just to hard to actually stare it in the face. But then for how long do you think you can continue to live the lie before attempting a short drop and a sudden stop??

Stop living the lie. And now I'm confronting MY truth.

Yes I'm doing better. But NO, I'm not 100 percent yet. I realized it when I saw my former engagement ring in a store front window. In a matter of a split second, a myriad of feelings, both good and bad washed over me, and almost dropped me to my knees, a cloud suddenly blocking out the sun. My saving grace was recognizing the truth and dealing with a bit of it at that very moment. As I walked down the street I cussed under my breath, and shouting in my head. My face probably looked homicidal. Now, an hour later I have my breath back and the frown across my brow has relaxed, but it's not gone. But it's an absolute necessity that we must be honest with ourselves and refuse to live the lie. No, I'm not going to be a bloody Moaning Myrtle, but I will not be crippled by the truth again, I will not allow it to catch me unawares again.

That's the only way I will actually be okay.

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