Monday, September 17, 2012

Letting go...easier said than done

Well good morning world. The weekend has been a mish mash of experiences and feelings, and thoughts that sometimes simply did not make sense. Essentially, it's easy to know what your hard limits are, what you will not tolerate. It's easier to formulate in your head the positive, to know exactly what you do want and what you desire. One thing that I've known about myself forever is that I am attracted to intelligence and wit, the kind that some people may find weird or disconcerting. It makes me wonder why in the world I was with someone for the longest time who was not in my league, neither intellectually, culturally or socially. 

We were simply a wrong fit, but I fell hook line and sinker and today I can't say why. I don't know what I fell in love with, perhaps it was the idea of love more than anything else of him. Maybe I was very deeply in love with the idea of actually committing to someone, of being in a stable relationship, of becoming a "grown-up". Well, it turned out that he was not stable and thus the relationship itself wasn't stable, in fact, it was downright stormy as the end neared. I think back at that time and although there were good, happy times, it's very hard for me to remember those clearly, when the bad, shitty times are so vivid in my mind's eye. It's tremendously difficult for me to own up to myself, because I should realised long before the end was glaringly obvious to the world that I was in a toxic situation and that I needed to extract myself from it. In the end I did and technically I'm free. 

But, since we're being honest, is one ever truly free after having gone through something like this? How does one truly get rid of the poison that still course through my veins? Many people would answer that forgiveness is the answer, that forgiveness is for me and not the other person, it's to free me and not him. My head tells me that it's the right answer and that I should forgive him and let him go, that I should not have the burden of bad memories weighing me down. My heart on the other hand wishes to smite and avenge itself, to plan plots of destruction against the person who hurt me. But revenge is a difficult game, it requires patience and a resolve of steel, and more commitment than anything one can imagine. 

He's not worth all of that effort. He's simply worthy of being a castaway with no hope of rescue. I am worthy of so much more than pain and nightmares. I realise now that I can let go a little more each day, but it's still not easy. I understand why people end up in rebound situations now. I understand it, but I don't want it, otherwise I'll never heal completely and thoroughly. What I want and need is time, time to process, time to forgive, time to let go. And I need to give MYSELF that time. No one else will, it's up to me. 

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